Updates
June 2, 2010
I am looking at this page and I can't BELIEVE it's been almost a year since I posted an update. The divorce is final; the kids and I moved into a town house only a few miles from my old home. It is small but cozy. We got three kittens to ease the transition. They are a year old now. I signed up for eHarmony and met a nice man, Andrew. We have been together for 4 months. He lives in Chicago and we see each other as much as we can. It is going pretty well and I can honestly say that I am happy.
Paige is still missed and I am doing very well with my healing. It was three years ago in April that she passed away. I still love doing my bracelets and blankets and meeting all of you wonderful women. I feel bad having to require donations but the materials are expensive and times are tight! Single mom of four with rent and a full-time babysitter to pay! I know you will understand.
Please continue to visit my site, e-mail me, and reach out. To all my established moms: don't forget about me. Keep me updated on your lives and your progress. Anyone is welcome to facebook me! I am under: facebook1@paigespage.org.
July 7, 2009
I know it has been a while since I posted a note here. I am going through a divorce and I am trying to get out from under some debt. I talked to a great guy today, Eddie, at a debt management company. The kids are adjusting well to the changes. I feel bad for them. I don't want this to hurt them and I hope and pray I can make the transition easy for them and that God will give me the right words to anser their questions.
October 30th, 2008
How awesome would it be if I got to meet the members of Mercy Me and personally tell them how their music has touched me? as most of you know, I often sign my e-mails with the lyrics from their song, Jesus Bring the Rain. They are going to be in concert near me on Sunday. I have called and requested an interview. We'll see if the Lord works this one out for me.....
October 20th, 2008
I found a special site today and I have been thinking a lot about Paige and my life and the life of Audrey Caroline Smith, the little baby girl I read about. Please visit her mommy and read about her at http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com. Please pray for her family, for Sara and Brandon, and for Nicol and Greg.
October 15, 2008
My vigil went well tonight. I had three mothers, all of whom brought family with them so we had a nice turn out. I felt like I helped, and that the Lord used me tonight. What more can I ask for?
Jillian is thriving. I am sorry I don't update enough. I am busy trying to get more hours at work, to pay the bills. This is of course not where I want my focus to be, as I want to be out making a difference in my community but it is not possible right now. Anyway, Jillian is growing. She is a happy baby. I feel so relieved by her smiles. I know I didn't damage her while being pregnant with her, and feeling like I couldn't bond. She loves me and I can tell she knows I love her. I am sorry she won't get to meet her sister. For now.
There's something I've been meaning to say. I like the cemetery. I like to go there because when I walk into that area, with all those babies, I am surrounded by Heavenly beings. The guardian angels of our babies are there, watching over their bodies in their slumber, and they surround me, wrap their wings around me, and cry with me as I sit missing my daughter. I am closer to God there than anywhere else, through the Angels and the nature around me. One day Paige's Angel will hand her to me, restored and perfect. I can't wait.
September 10, 2008
I had an upsetting thing happen this week and I wanted to share it. I have been working hard on my outreach (see tab for "Outreach and Ministry") and I left messages at about 30 local churches asking them to help spread the word about my meeting on October 15th. I actually had one church call me back and turn me down! They said they already did their own outreach. Well, that's great, and I'm not trying to steal your congregation. Perhaps the people that attend the meetings there would like to come to an extra one! We are all trying to do the Lord's work! And perhaps there is information that they are not getting at their current meetings that they would get at mine--does this group promote the month of October and October 15th? I am hurt and saddened by this response. I would have preferred they just not call me back at all instead of calling and making it sound like I was stepping on their turf.
July 20, 2008
Life has become a whirlwind. I only had two weeks off after Jillian was born before I had to go back to work. We were out of money and I didn't have a choice. I felt fully recovered from the c-section but I knew I couldn't lift anything heavy. I enjoy being back at work but miss Jillian when I am gone. Mike seems to be holding it together with 4 kids at home while I am gone.
Jiliian is 5 weeks old now and she is still beautiful and doing very well. She gets up about every four hours at night to eat. That gets old quickly but I know it won't last long. The kids are doing great with her--they have not been jealous at all and love to look at her and try to hold her and talk to her. She is more alert now and turns to look at them when she hears them.
June 13, 2008
We got to go home today at 7PM. I have no interest in staying in the hospital any longer than necessary and I knew I wouldn't feel like having Jillian was real until I go tinto me own house. I am sore but moving around and I feel good. I am still having sciatic pain--I hope it resolves soon.
Jillian is beautiful. She is perfect and just so pretty. It feels so good to hold her and have her here safe and sound.
June 12, 2008
I didn't sleep at all last night. I took a two hour nap. I found myself overwhelmed with worry that at some point before the present time and the moment of the c-setion Jillian would stop moving and be dead. She moved almost all night, and I was comforted to feel her and know she was still alive.
It was a sad and happy day at the same time. My c-section was scheduled for 9AM and after some delays Jillian was born at 10:37AM. The sound of her cries was music to my ears. I cried so hard, and Mike cried too. It was so quiet in the OR last time. I knew that she was alive and would be alright when I heard her. The kids came to visit after she was born. It was so cute to see them with her, especially Ian and Zoe because neither one of them remember seeing one of their siblings just after birth. Ian yelled, "She has ears!" I had to laugh. I am sore from the surgery and groggy from the drugs but doing very well.
June 11, 2008
I went in for the amnio today, hoping and praying for a positive result so that I could have a baby, and know she was ready to be born. The doctor got me all draped and started to look with ultrasound. After a moment she said she wasn't going to be able to do the amnio because she couldn't find a pocket of fluid large enough to draw from. But, she said, because my amniotic fluid was so low, I was having the c-section anyway for the baby's safety. She measured the level and said, "You're having a c-section tomorrow."
I am glad for that but now I am nervous because we didn't get to do the test that says her lungs are mature. What if she's not ready? The doctor said by 37 weeks "she should be fine."
I am also distrubed by the way this happened. I have known women whose full-term babies died and when they delivered, there was no amniotic fluid left. Usually, oligohydramnios (too little amniotic fluid) at this stage is caused by the placenta ceasing to function. Mine just happened to be caught because I was having terrible sciatica and wanted the amnio. What if I was feeling fine? Once the fluid is gone, the baby dies. What if I had gone another week? Jillian would have been dead by then. We need to make a change to OB care that includes checking on the babies more frequently at the end of the pregnancy.
May 28, 2008
I can hardly walk from the sciatica. I was trying to push myself too hard, I know, working two jobs the past week. The midwife said she wanted me to stay home and rest. It is nice to be home resting. I went from 80 miles an hour to zero instantaneously and it is really nice to have the break. My legs are still killing me and I had to take Mike with me to the doctor's so I could hold onto him while I walked.
The ultrasound showed that Jillian is actually not big for her age, she is right on track, estimated at 6lbs, 6oz. That is surprising for my babies. The doctor said she would do an amnio for lung maturity to deliver her early, but not until 37 weeks. That is two weeks away. She said she does not think her lungs would be mature until then. So, she gave me the dates: June 11th she'll do the amnio, and the next morning she would deliver Jillian, if the test came back OK. So I reluctantly agreed to wait 2 weeks. Two is better than four!
May 24, 2008
I have not been doing very well with wiritng updates. Sorry to those of you who actually read this page!
I had an OB appointment yesterday. They are talking about delivering Jillian early because she is very big for her age and I am experiencing terrible sciatic pain, so bad that I have trouble walking. I am meeting with the doctor on Wednesday to have an ultrasound and discuss the possibility of delivering early. I will be full term then, so I am praying that they will agree to it.
This has been an emotional road, this pregnancy. I find it difficult to connect with the baby. I feel very disconnected from her and have a hard time even understanding or grasping that I am pregnant. I know it is a defense mechanism and that my brain is trying to keep from getting attached to her, in case she dies. It doesn't matter that I know she does not have what Paige had, I know that she could die anyway. I have met too many women who lost healthy babies for no reason. I am not naive anymore, I can no longer be sure everything will turn out alright: "I'll believe it when I see it." I will be so relieved to hold her and see that she is OK and then I will be so happy and overwhelmed with emotions that I will be a mess!
April 9, 2008
One year ago today Baby Paige died. I did not make as big of a deal out of today as I did her birthday, because I want to focus on her life and not her death, but we talked about it to the kids. Gabby remembered on her own, which was sweet. I was actually called in to work, which made me angry, but was also probably a good distraction. It was a hard day, though. Harder than I thought it would be. A million things kept racing through my mind, mostly memories of this day last year. I miss Paige and I always will.
April 6, 2008
Today is Paige's first birthday. We had a day of remembrance with the kids. We got out her scrapbook and looked through it. Zoe was happy to see the pictures of her with Baby Paige at the hospital. I asked Ian if he remembered seeing her, and he said he doesn't. I am sad that they won't remember her. We went out to the cemetery and left her some flowers. It is the first time I have been there in a very long time. I don't go much because I do not feel there is a need to, I do not belileve she is "there" or that she is watching me. I think her guradian angel is there, though, watching over her as she rests in the ground. I believe the angel assigned to us in life stays there at the grave after death, until we are risen again. So I am not alone at the cemetery. I am actually surrounded by Paige's guardian angel, and the guardian angels of all of the other babies who are bruried there. I think they cry for us and grieve with us. I think they wrap their arms around us to comfort us.
I miss Paige very much. The sadness is muted more now a year later, but I can still cry at the drop of a hat. The pain is still fresh but not like it was. I thank God for the healing the human body is capable of. Without that blessing we would all walk around in a daze, not able to recover from a loss.
March 17, 2008
Today is my birthday. Today, last year, I was in the hospital. Dr Toffle let me go out for the evening to dinner with my Dad and stepmother, Sandy. He gave me a hug when I brought him a piece of raspberry cheeseckae from Outback Steakhouse. I am having a hard time right now because it has been a year. Paige's birthday is in a couple of weeks, then the date of her death. I can't wrap my head around the fact that it has been a year. It doesn't feel possible.
I had a follow up ultrasound Friday and the previa has resolved. It is nice to have that worry off my mind. Jillian is laying frank breech, with her butt towards my cervix and her feet up over her head. Tinna, the US tech, laughed about how funny she will look when she is born because her legs will flop in that position when she is laying. She may turn, but it doesn't matter anyway because I am already having a c-section.
Zoe told me baby Zoo-ee-an has pajamas on in there. I said: "no, she's naked." She said "put some pajamas on her!" I told her I can't reach baby Jillian, but I would put some on her when she comes out.
January 15, 2008
I had some bleeding and mentioned it to the midwife today. She sent me for an ultrasound and I found out I have complete placenta previa. I find it funny, because I think the Lord has a sense of humor. It is a good thing that this hasn't happened until this pregnancy, because I need a c-section anyway. Paige was a c-section and my hospital does not do VBAC. So it really doesn't affect her birth, but I have to be very careful now about any bleeding at all. With placenta previa, any bleeding could become uncontrolled and could result in hospitalization on blood transfusions until the baby is old enough to be born, or the baby could die if it gets that bad. I don't worry that this will happen to me. But I do worry that I will have trouble with a lot of bleeding as time goes by because I get terrible Braxton Hicks, and they will more than likely cause bleeding. So I will have to wait and see what happens. I have been instructed not to lift anything too heavy and not overdo it.
The baby looked good on the ultrasound, though. And she has a name now: Jillian Nicole.
December 25, 2007
Today was a sad day at the same time that it was a very exciting and special day. Today was Paige's First Christmas--the first of many that she will miss. My children had a wonderful time opening presents, and I know that I need to be there for them and make the day just as special for the children I do have. But today was also the day that we were able to announce to our families that we are expecting another baby, another miracle from God.
I thought about Paige a lot today. I thought what she would be like now, at almost 9 months old. I thought about lugging her around in her car seat and watching that look babies get when they are taking everything in: the lights on the tree, the commotion of all the people, my Aunt & Uncle's dog running around. I ran into a woman from church the other day and told her that we were expecting. She said to me: "Do you think you feel happier now, having the new baby on the way?" I felt my skin crawl. I said to her, in a very sweet voice, not at all irritated: "Well, one baby does not replace another, and I will always miss Paige. Yes, I am happy for this baby, but I will always miss her." She was quick to agree with me, bla, bla, bla. But the truth of the matter is, everyone assumes that this is "The Cure" for your baby dying. That once you have another one, you forget about the one that died and won't have to tak about the dead baby or be sad about it anymore. Maybe it is more because they hope they won't have to hear about it anymore, and won't have to ask: "How are you doing?" when they see you anymore. If you say "yes, I feel so much better now" then they can give a sigh of relief and think: "oh, good. I don't have to worry about her bringing up the baby. I can talk to her again." Whatever it is, even if it is innocent, it doesn't sound innocent.
We went to a specialist near our home last week and had a CVS. This was not too bad. There is a clamp used to open the cervix so the doctor can guide the catheter in to get the sample, and that pinches. It was a sudden pinch, not much warning, and I jumped a little, but it was bearable. It lasted for two minutes at the most, as she collected the sample from the baby's placenta. Then it was over. She said to expect some bleeding, but I had none at all. It was a Friday, and she said on Monday we would have results on chromosomes 13, 18, and 21 and the following Friday (this past Friday) to have the rest of the karyotype. There was no call Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday. I was a nervous wreck, hoping so much to have results by Christmas, and a little irritated because I was told to expect results that I had not gotten yet. On Thursday when I called I told the girl on the phone that I was worried the lab lost my sample, and the whole CVS needed to be re-done. She agreed that the results were overdue and agreed to call the lab for me. An hour later she called me with the complete test results. The baby had normal chromosomes, two of each, and was healthy. And, much to my surprise, it was XX--a girl. I was shocked, having dreamed that it was a boy. With all of my other children I had dreamed their sex and been right. But I was not this time. I struggled for a fleeting minute with guilt. I felt I was truly replacing Paige now, having a daughter in her place. But that feeling was gone quickly, remembering that the Lord knows what He is doing, and that I will never be able to replace Paige. It will be wonderful to have a girl in the house again.
What would we have done if the results showed Trisomy 18 again, or worse? We had to know if the baby was healthy or not. I would have never considered termination before this experience with Paige, but knowing now what I didn't know before, I could not survive the death of another child. I wish in many ways that I had never experienced it. If we had results early, as early as possible, I would terminate to save the baby the suffering and myself as well. I read something once from parents who were faced with a diagnosis during pregnancy and had to make the choice of termination or not. They decided that if their baby could tell them what it wanted, it would say it wanted to live. I do not see it this way. I believe my baby would say it didn't want to suffer. To me, life is precious, but there are fates worse than death, like living in a state of pain and suffering--quality of life is so important. The case of Terry Schiavo in the news comes to mind: in a nursing home, unable walk or talk or care for herself, being kept alive by a feedig tube. I told my husband then, "don't you ever let me live like that. I'd rather be dead." I would be so sad if I were faced with the reality of termination, and I would hate it, but I would do it if I felt it was in the baby's best interest. I could not, by the way, do it late in pregnancy, when the baby was bigger than a grape and had all its feeling and senses. This is why we chose CVS--it could be done early.
Gabby (8 years old) said, in rapid-fire sequence: "I hope she's not sick, too--will you have to stay in the hospital again--will she have to stay in the hospital?" I was happy to be able to calm her fears. Ian (4 years old) said, "oh!" and that was about it. When I asked him if he was happy he said "yes, I'm having another sister." Poor guy, he probably has no idea brothers even exist. Zoe (2 1/2 years old) at first was very confused, talking about Paige. She took me over and showed me Paige's picture. She said, "No, dis is Paige. She died." I told her "This is another baby, a new baby." Then she understood and began running around the house saying "I'm havin' a baby sistur! I'm havin' a baby sistur!"
We got pregnant quickly after trying to conceive this time, as we always do. This was a planned pregnancy. We both felt that our hearts were still hurting, but were ready to take on the re-sponsibility of loving another baby. Others may have done it sooner, others may wait years. Everyone is different, and the choice is competely personal. You do what is right for you and your family.
I write all of this here as a resource for parents who are looking for guidance from other mothers that have "been there." I hope I can be of some help to all of you.
November 24, 2007
I wrote a book and got it published. I am very excited. My author copies came in the mail today. This is actually a story I started a long time ago, and with the need for income and possibly a new career choice, I submitted my manuscript in September. I was shocked when it was accepted. I am now a published author! Anyone who would like to support me can do so by buying my book! Christmas is coming, you know! How many readers do you need to buy for?! Go to
www.publishamerica.com and click the Online Bookstore tab at the top of the page. Enter my pen name in the search box on the right: Dawn Canterbury, and my book will come up.
I am very excited and very nervous. I hope it does well. I will let you all know ahead of time that my one regret is that it is not very long. I did not have a good perception of the length, having never done this before. It is a good read, but a little short. Now I know for next time!
November 8, 2007
My support group meetings came to an end today. It was a wonderful experience to get to know everyone there and for us all to share the stories of our babies. We all bonded and plan to remain friends. I am surprised at how much it helped me. I feel more at peace now. I feel like I have moved closer to acceptance. It is a nice feeling. We all said it is like we are part of a club--not one we ever wanted to be part of--but we are together nonetheless.
October 30, 2007
CIGNA denied my disability. You should see the letter they sent--completely heartless. I have been waiting for 5 weeks to hear back on it. They already denied my short-term claim (a sepearte company), because the short-term policy only covers physical disability. Now the long-term company is also denying me because I don't meet the criteria. Let's see, their definition of diablilty is: "The Employee is considerd Disabled if, solely due to Injury or Sickness, he or she is: 1. Unable to perform the material duties of his or her Regular Occupation; and 2. Unable to earn 80% or more of his or her Indexed Earnings from working in his or her Regular Occupation." According to all reports sent to them by my primary doctor and my therapist, I fit this to a T. It is so nice to know everyone is behind me. I say this sarcastically, of course. These "nice" people gladly take my premium every paycheck, but when I need them for something I can forget it.
I went into the hospital and resigned my job, only so that I could get the money from my 401K. My account is small, so I could not borrow against it. We need the money to live off of for now. I am filing a letter of appeal. We'll see how far I get.
The comments and suggestions here are in no way intended to replace or belittle the personal beliefs of anyone reading this. These are my beliefs only. It is not intended to offend anyone. You may choose to agree or disagree. My goal is to help, not hurt.