The Dads Are Important, Too.
- They grieve differently than we do, and often get to the acceptance stage before we do.
- Couples' relationships are rockiest the first two years after the death, but recent research shows that they are not much more likely to divorce--see link listed here: http://dying.about.com/b/a/000117.htm
- He has trouble understanding why she cannot move through the stages that quickly.
- She needs to understand why he can. He did not feel that baby move and grow for nine months (or however long you carried your baby), and because of this, was not as attached. For some husbands, the baby is not "real" until it is born, or it is hard for him to imagine it as real. So if the baby is stillborn, it is more final, less real to him. They baby never was alive for him, and therefore he did not experience a loss.
Ask him to think about it as a mother. If the baby was in you, and you felt it move, and you knew it was alive, and your body was changing because of it, through sore breasts, nausea and vomiting, acne, a growing belly, etc--wouldn't you know it was alive? That's why I am sad.
Use "I" statements:
- "I feel sad when you say you wish I was over it."
- "I feel angry when you ask me to stop crying."
- "I am confused because you aren't as sad as me."
This moves from attacking him to expressing yourself, and he will feel less defensive and may open up more because he does not feel attacked.
Then, reaffirm his words:
- "I hear you say that you don't understand what I am going through."
Remain calm, and explain yourself.
It is so important to talk, as much as your husband is able to talk. Try to understand and support him. He in turn needs to try to understand and support you.
The comments and suggestions here are in no way intended to replace or belittle the personal beliefs of anyone reading this. These are my beliefs only. It is not intended to offend anyone. You may choose to agree or disagree. My goal is to help, not hurt.
All information provided here is for educational purposes only. It is not written by a physician nor intended to be a diagnosis, or a substitute for the help of a professional. Always seek your doctor's advice for any questions related to your health or the health of a loved one.