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| Grief The 5 Stages of Grief as identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross Denial. "Oh, no, she doesn't have Trisomy 18. Her ears are just low. You'll see when you do the blood test. Anger. "Why did this have to happen? I worked so hard to keep her safe, staying here in this hospital, because it was what was best for her!" Bargaining. "If I get the news that she's healthy I will never be mad at her when she wakes me up at 2 AM screaming to be fed." Acceptance. "I know I will go on living, and I can make the best of a bad situation."
Your grief and emotions are unique. Do not let anyone tell you that you should not be feeling one way or should be feeling another. People can be insensitive and rude because they don't know what else to say, and because they are uncomfortable. That doesn't mean it is right. Personally, I like to be direct with people. Not mean to them, but I point out that their remarks are rude and hurtful. If people ask: "Do you find it gets easier as time goes by?" I say: "No, not yet. I am still very sad and I still miss her every day." (After all, Paige died only 6 months ago!! But people really do think you should jump up and get over it.) I have friends who have had stillbirths. They have had terrible things said to them, like: "Why are you so upset? She wasn't even born?" I suggest saying: "Of course she was born, but she was already dead. Imagine how terrible that was for me, giving birth to a dead baby." Or, "It's been six weeks, you're not over it already?" I suggest: "No, of course I'm not over it yet. My child is dead. Would you be over it?" How about this one: "At least he died before you got attached to him." I suggest a direct: "I was already attached to him. He was inside of me for ? months." Maybe add: "That's really hurtful. Please, just say you're sorry for my loss and leave it at that." I would describe my experience with grief as a little strange. I never really had the anger stage at all, except for what I said above. I have never been angry with God, and I never will be. My reason is that I know God did not want this to happen. I know that, because I believe death is an unconscious state, that He is sad, too, because He is separated from her, too. Bad things happen in this world because of Satan and sin. I guess I could be mad at Satan, but I'm not even going to give him the satisfaction. And don't get me wrong--I think it is OK to get mad at God. I believe that He understands that we are bound by human emotions and may blame Him from time to time, even if we don't mean it. His shoulders are broad enough to carry that weight. I view myself as having reached the acceptance stage, but I still experience the depression every day. I think about Paige every moment still, and I still cry frequently because I miss her. I feel that I have this core to my grief, a core of acceptance, but I am still stuck in an earlier phase. I am comfortable with that for now. I believe that God will never give me (or anyone) more than they can handle--although sometimes that doesn't feel true. I know that because this happened to me, I will make it through because He is carrying me, just like the "Footprints in the Sand" poem says. In a way, I feel honored that God thinks so highly of me that He knows I can survive such a terrible loss. I went to a support group, which was wonderful, and I spoke to a counselor. I recommend both avenues of therapy. My counselor was wonderful because she truly empathised with me and helped me understand the grief process and what I was going through. The support group was for perinatal loss--we had all lost our babies--and we are now lifelong friends. Knowing you are not the "only one" is enormously healing. Early Miscarriage If you have had an early miscarriage once, twice, or ten times, I want you all to know that I understand you are suffering a real loss. You still have the sadness of what would have been, what could have been, and what will never be. And for that, I want to validate your loss and tell you that I know even an early loss is hard. Actually, my husband and I had a miscarriage between our two oldest children around six weeks. If you tell people, or were far enough along that you had announced it to everyone but it was still very early, people may not understand your grief. Perhaps you had been trying to get pregnant for months or years. That positive test changed your life, and your perception of your body, immediately. Instantly you are responsible for a life inside of you. You skip the glass of wine with dinner. You drink more water. You start eating a full breakfast, for the baby's sake. You feel the changes: sore breasts, nausea, fatigue. And before the first week has gone by, you have a boy name and girl name, and already know how you're going to decorate the nursery. But others do not understand this, how quickly a woman's maternal instincts take over. Your husband may not understand, either, because he isn't thinking about it as much as you are. If you have multiple early miscarriages you are sure to feel overwhelmed, sad, and helpless. Why does this keep happening? What am I doing wrong? Having that shock and loss over and over agian takes a toll emotionally. Late Miscarriage Any loss before 20 weeks is considered a miscarriage instead of a stillbirth. Medical terms can add to the sadness and frustration of a baby's death. Any woman who has had their baby die around 18-19 weeks or earlier will tell you that they saw their baby--arms, legs, and all. At this point, the mother will have to have labor induced to deliver her baby. I have never had this experience, so I believe that me going into detail about it would be unfair, since I cannot understand fully something I have never gone through. I believe that this must be a very terrible experience, thinking about it from my perspective on infant loss: my baby was born alive, and I had time with her before she died. I'm not sure how I would have handled delivering her if she was already dead. This is a terrible, terrible tragedy and I am so sorry for your loss. This is what I meant earlier, when I said I do not totally agree with doctors not doing c-sections if it is not medically necessary. I think that if the baby is dead, the doctor should explain the risks of a major surgery and c-sections, and allow the woman to make the choice. I cannot imagine laboring for hours and pushing to deliver my dead baby. I have one friend who begged her doctors for a c-section and was denied. I have another friend whose doctor made the decision for her to do a c-section, becasue he felt she would not emotionally be able to deliver her babies (good for him!) It makes me even more angry becasue I used to work with this woman who CHOSE to have a c-section during her perfectly healthy pregnancy because she did not want to experience the pain of labor. And her doctors did it. If she can choose this for such selfish reasons, grieving mothers should have the same choice. Stillbirth Doctors use the term stillbirth for any baby born dead after 20 weeks gestation. I have known women who have stopped feeling fetal movement and went for an ultrasound, learning their baby died. I have met women who have gone into labor with a living baby, full term, and when they got to the hospital, the baby was dead, and there is no know reason, or there was a cord accident. Most doctors force the mother to labor and deliver the baby. Very few will allow the mother to have a c-section. Their reason is that they cannot justify putting the mother through a dangerous, very invasive surgical procedure if it is not medically necessary. As a nurse I understand; as a mother I believe would scream and fight and drive state to state to find a doctor who would do the c-section. (See above, in the "Late Miscarriage" section, for more comments.) Again, it is not fair of me to assume I know what you are going through, if you have experienced a stillbirth. As I said in the last section, I don't know if I could have emotionally handled delivering my dead baby. At least Paige was born alive and I got three days with her. This is a terrible, terrible tragedy and I am so sorry for your loss. Infant Death Just like miscarriage and stillbirth, there can be no known cause for infant death, as in the case of SIDS. Perhaps your baby was born early, and after birth died from complications. Perhaps you knew your baby was sick with an illness or medical condition that would eventally prove fatal, and your baby survived birth just to die later. Perhaps you had a similar situation as mine--your baby was diagnosed with a condition after birth. Parents that get a diagnosis before birth have longer to grieve than those whose babies die suddenly, or are not diagnosed until birth. Neither situation makes the death of a baby easier, it's just that parents that knew before hand may be further through the grieving process at the time of their baby's birth. The actual event of the birth and death will likely push them back into the earlier stages of grief. The comments and suggestions here are in no way intended to replace or belittle the personal beliefs of anyone reading this. These are my beliefs only. It is not intended to offend anyone. You may choose to agree or disagree. My goal is to help, not hurt. All information provided here is for educational purposes only. It is not written by a physician nor intended to be a diagnosis, or a substitute for the help of a professional. Always seek your doctor's advice for any questions related to your health or the health of a loved one.
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