The loss of a child is the single most horrible thing a human being can experience.
People can often say things, meaning well but actually causing more harm than good. The following is a list of things that are NOT helpful to hear when experiencing a loss. This includes all deaths, whether it be an early miscarriage, late miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. The reason is, they are hurtful, mean, rude and insensitive. Would you want people saying these things to you? Remember if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
Oh, you'll get over it. (No, I will never get over it. I will be able to function again one day, but I will never get over it. If your mother or father or dog has died, are you over it?)
You'll have more kids. (That may be true, and that would be wonderful, but you can't replace a child, can you?)
At least you have other kids. (Again, one child cannot replace another. And try to understand, because I have other children I am MORE aware of the loss, having raised kids before. I can remember all the milestones and things my other children did as babies, and know with an absolute certainty what I am missing out on.)
Why are you so upset? It wasn't even a baby. (I can't even begin...)
I know exactly what you're going through. (If this is not followed by: my baby died, too, then don't say it.)
I know what you're going through because I had a miscarriage once at 6 weeks. (This is not good when the mother has lost a late pregnancy or an infant. Your loss, while sad, is not the same thing.) Please see the note at the bottom of this page.
Are you feeling better today? (This leads the person to believe that you want the answer to be yes, rather than the truth.)
Do you think it's getting easier? (Same as above.)
What you need to do is go and get pregnant again right away. (Again, having more kids never replaces the one lost, or makes the pain any less. And you don't know what is best for someone else.)
You're not keeping yourself busy enough/you're thinking about it too much. (Keeping feelings repressed puts the brakes on the healing process. Plus, I could keep myself busy enough and go fast enough to power New York City, and I WOULD STILL MISS MY BABY AND BE SAD THAT SHE DIED.)
Be careful with spiritual advice/quips. Not everyone believes in God, and those that do all have different beliefs (see my "Our Beliefs" page). Here are some that bother me, and bother others I have talked to, who do not follow the same religion as me (so it's not just me that feels offended by this!):
Oh, God needed your baby. (God doesn't need anything from me. He is not selfish. He is all-powerful, all-seeing, all-knowing. He is greater than me, above me. He wanted ME to have my baby to raise and love and take care of. It is sin and Satan who cause the terrible things in this world.)
Well, at least she's in heaven now. (I don't believe this, and neither do a lot of other people.)
She's looking down on you. (Even if she were in heaven, how could she be looking down on me, she's three days old!)
It was your baby that helped you: get pregnant again/miss that tree when your car spun out/etc/etc. (Some of these beliefs take away from the absolute awesomeness of our Lord. If I were to believe that it is my dead relatives that are helping me out in my every day life, where does God fit into that? Shouldn't I stay focused on the belief that it is GOD doing good in my life?)
ALL YOU EVER HAVE TO SAY IS "I AM SO SORRY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY." or "I AM SO SORRY. I CAN'T IMAGINE." Because the truth is, if you have never experienced it, you really can't imagine.
IF YOU WANT TO BE NICE, BUT ARE UNCOMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT THE PERSON'S LOSS, TRY SAYING "HELLO, MEGAN. GOOD TO SEE YOU." BY NOT USING THE WORDS "HOW ARE YOU?" YOU DO NOT OPEN UP THE FLOOR TO DISCUSSION THAT MAY MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, AND AT THE SAME TIME YOU ARE BEING KIND AND FRIENDLY, INSTEAD OF AVOIDING THE PERSON ALL TOGETHER, WHICH IS ALSO HURTFUL.
IF YOU FEEL YOU NEED TO SAY SOMETHING SPIRITUAL, STICK WITH: "I AM PRAYING FOR YOU." THAT'S MUCH MORE UNIVERSALLY ACCEPTED.
I find it sad that I have to include this page on my website. I can't believe anyone would be heartless enough to say the things listed above. But the truth is, my friends and I have all heard them. So please, please be aware of the feelings of your grieving friends. They don't need you to come up with a catchy jingle or metaphor to sum up all the pain they are feeling. Just be there to listen and give a hug.
*Note: To all you mothers out there who have lost a baby to early miscarriage once, twice, or ten times, I want you all to know that I understand you are suffering a real loss. You still have the sadness of what would have been, what could have been, and what will never be. And for that, I want to validate your loss and tell you that I know even an early loss is hard. Actually, my husband and I had a miscarriage between our two oldest children around six weeks.
The comments and suggestions here are in no way intended to replace or belittle the personal beliefs of anyone reading this. These are my beliefs only. It is not intended to offend anyone. You may choose to agree or disagree. My goal is to help, not hurt.