Children & Grief
Children grieve very differently than adults do. Young children are accepting and see things in black and white. The hard thing is that as they grow up and change mentally in their development they will experience their grief over and over again.
When Mike & I got home from the hospital, the day Paige died, we sat down with Gabrielle and told her that Paige was more sick than the doctors thought she was, and there was nothing they could do to make her better, and she died. Gabby (7 1/2 at the time), was quiet for a minute, then cried a little and said "What?" We told her how sad we were, and how we would miss Paige. She cried for a minute. I said to her, "Please don't be mad at Jesus, because He didn't want Paige to die. She died because this is a sinful world and bad things happen here (I was careful not to tell her how to feel, by saying: don't be mad at God). She said "I know." She wiped her eyes and went back downstairs to play with her friend. And she has been in the acceptance phase ever since. It took her 5 minutes. I envy children because they don't have to grieve like we do.
Ian (3 1/2 at the time) asked the day before the visitation, which was Wednesday, two days after I had come home: "How many more minutes 'till Paige comes home?" I said "Paige isn't coming home. She died." He said, "What?" and I repeated myself. He went back to what he was doing and didn't ask any more questions. Later that day he told Grandma Sandy, "Paige was very sick, and she died." He must have, from seeing her in the NICU, figured out why she died on his own, because I didn't say that to him. And that was all. He accepted it.
Zoe, of course, at not quite 2, had no clue what was going on. She would look at Paige's picture and say "Baby Paige. Hat," always pointing out that she was wearing a hat in the picture, and I would always say, "Yes, Baby Paige died." She actually asked me just the other day, now that she is a little older, "Why-a Baby Paige died?" I said, "Because she was sick." She asked, "Why-a Baby Paige sick?" I said, "She was born that way." She said, "Oh. She needed some-a medicine." I had to laugh a little (and get all choked up) at her innocence. I said, "Yes, but they don't have medicine to make her better," knowing she wouldn't really understand.
My therapist asked Ian a few weeks ago, when he came with me for my meeting, "Where is Baby Paige?" he was laughing and playing in his little boy way, and said "In a box." It made me cry. He knows. He remembers. Only 3 1/2 and he remembers me showing him Paige's casket at the visitation, and telling him Paige was in there.
I want to always be open and honest with my children. There are pictures in the house. If the kids see me crying, I am honest: "I'm sad because Baby Paige died, and I miss her." Ian will look sad and say, "Yeah, me too."
Gabby and I have discussed Trisomy 18, and the exact reasons for Paige's death. But it is all hard for an eight-year-old to understand. She at least knows there was a specific disease that caused her to be sick.
I worry about what it will be like for them to grow up not knowing their sister. But I know what I need to do to help them: Be honest, let them know it is OK to be sad (or not be as sad as another family member may be), and let them know they can always come to me with questions or fears they may have.
I also know how important it is to reassure them always--if they start to feel guilty for some reason. Kids can be hard on themselves. Some may think they did something wrong to cause the baby to die. Some may feel like Mommy is so sad, she must not love me anymore. Always reassure them that they have not done anything wrong, and that you love them just as much now as you always did.
I am careful not to tell my children Paige is sleeping. I use that description with adults only, because I don't want my kids to think they may go to sleep in their beds and never wake up. I do explain it to Gabby, because she is old enough to understand. I say death is like a sleep, but not the same thing, because you can't wake up from it. Your heart is not beating and you are not breathing when you are dead, but you do those things when you are asleep in your bed. She has been fine with that and understands.
If Ian or Zoe ask me about Paige, I tell them she was sick and she died, and that is all the two of them ask for now. Later, they may ask more about death. My answer will be that when you die you're not alive anymore. A person who is dead has their eyes closed and they don't breathe and they can't talk to us anymore. If they ask me later where these dead people are, I will tell them in the cemetery. They already visit Paige's grave with me occasionally. I then will go on to say that Jesus will bring them back to life when He comes back and we all go Heaven with Him.
You know your own kids. You will be able to tell what they can understand and what they can't. Some of you maybe haven't told your kids about the baby that died, either because they were too young at the time or because you just haven't been able to yet. You have to be ready, too. And wait until the time is right, when you can work it into a conversation with your little one, for instance, if there is another death in the family. If you mention it out of the blue it could catch them off guard and confuse them.
The comments and suggestions here are in no way intended to replace or belittle the personal beliefs of anyone reading this. These are my beliefs only. It is not intended to offend anyone. You may choose to agree or disagree. My goal is to help, not hurt.
All information provided here is for educational purposes only. It is not written by a physician nor intended to be a diagnosis, or a substitute for the help of a professional. Always seek your doctor's advice for any questions related to your health or the health of a loved one.